Nature Valley granola bars are absurd, and their popularity is unfair.

Take: This is the worst designed snack in the history of snacks and it somehow makes tons of money being awful at what it does.

Does that sound fair to you? It does if you’re stupid.

Let’s be real, Nature Valley granola bars taste pretty good, and they’re, like, not horrible for you. That’s literally all they have going for them.

I am obviously upset about the mess they make. Am I the only one? No, I am not.

Is there an excuse for this? Oh, yes, my friends, there are excuses, and they’re about as flimsy as a gypsy penny whistle. Behold the evidence I have uncovered as I unraveled the Matrix:

Exhibit A

Google autocomplete doesn’t lie. It tells you the future AND the past. Someone else was here before me, they looked too. Did they live? I’m not a doctor. What did they find? Well, a whole lot of bullshit.

This is such a problem, there’s even an apparel campaign.

Exhibit B

Yo dawg, your body is political.

I’m so enraged I’d have bought one to air my grievances, but they don’t sell Youth XL baby tees, so that’s kind of a deal breaker.

NEXT

GQ- A MEN’S FASHION MAGAZINE HAS A GODDAMN ARTICLE ON HOW TO EAT THESE CREATING MINIMAL CRUMBS. Is your snack too messy? Maybe that’s a sign- when a major publication has to tell people how to accommodate you. Why are we enabling this? Why are we teaching society to tolerate this, like somehow, as with the iPhone with bad reception, oops, we were just using it wrong?

Exhibit C

Finally, this, from the Daily Meal:

Exhibit D

Again, this company is actually giving public explanations as to why its product in short, fails at the fundamentals of convenient food conveyance which is a pillar of the snack virtues.

That last line gets me: “There’s some sort of sweet nostalgia sbout snacking this way- covered in a dust of granola.”

Are you out of your fucking mind? Nostalgia for being covered in granola dust? What else do you think the past was like?

I’m going to go back to watching The Crown now, after I finish vacuuming.

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